A Liberal's Guide to Talking to Black People at Parties

Nobody cares if you read How To Be An Anti-Racist.

Liberals can’t talk to Black people or rather any “other identity” person. It’s a peculiar phenomenon. They get nervous, and sweaty and end up shouting out weird shit. Instead of complaining about the umpteenth time, it has happened I’ve decided to take meaningful action. This easy, and (hopefully) practical guide on talking to Black people should alleviate this. Not because Black people are an alien species. But because we are humans.

Stop talking regurgitating DEI training talking points

Perhaps you’ve read Ibram Kendi’s How To Be An Anti-Racist, or if you’re “radical”, you’ve read Fanon’s Wretched of The Earth. Your job scheduled a company-wide DEI session for all employees after the Summer 2020 unrest. If you feel like you learned from this then good for you. Either way, I don’t care all that much. Whenever I venture to meet new people there’s a fifty-fifty chance of them dumping Diversity Equity & Inclusion word vomit on me without my consent. Stop doing this. It’s easy to assume that these come from good intentions, that they’re only trying to signal their good virtue in these socially tumultuous times. 

Yet, whether it is conscious or not, this ‘DEI Word Vomit’ is selfish. Rather than asking the person you’re talking to about normal light party topics–sports, hobbies, films, or whatever, you use them as a faceless ‘other’ to unload your White guilt onto. I lived in Japan for a few years right after high school, danced in a girl group, and did sex work for numerous years. I love to read and write. I am a unique person, as all of us are. So why is it that rather than having meaningful discussions I am subjected to DEI word vomit that every other “other” person has also heard? It is essentially denying my personhood and pretty much the personhood of every other non-White person by assuming they naturally want to listen to this White liberal self-flagellation. This is the equivalent of talking about the Holocaust, antisemitism, and Palestinian occupation every time you met a Jewish person. Pretty awkward, right?

I don’t care that your best friend’s cousin in kindergarten was Black.

Many times I meet a White person and have a meaningful conversation with them, or at least attempt to do so, they end up circling back to a story about a Black person they once met. Leroy, an older Black man, joined their family’s church half a century ago. Or an old Black woman they had a five-minute conversation with at a grocery store.  Again, mentioning this is not with bad intentions. It’s an easy way to connect to some person. Except this reaffirms that you see me as nothing more than an arbitrary identity rather than as an individual human being. Plus–I don’t really care if you’re best friend’s cousin in kindergarten was Black.

You probably know nothing about Black culture. That’s ok.

Most Americans have little to no understanding of Black American culture outside of rap music, which is primarily consumed (and produced) by people who are not Black. The vast majority of Black people who make up social justice circles, liberal politics, or intersectional firesides are not representative of the average Black American by any stretch of the imagination. With that said, you probably don’t understand Black American culture well. And that’s totally fine. We grew up watching Full House, Saved By The Bell, and every hokey 80s sitcom just like you did. Many of us grew up with White teachers, social workers, co-workers, university classmates, and bosses. Does it really matter if you understand the intricacies of my culture? I don’t think so.

For a time while living in a girl’s dormitory in suburban Tokyo I had the privilege of befriending young women from various places. Ibaraki, Mumbai, Jakarta, Busan, Denver – none of our cultures were remotely similar. Most of us had differentiating native tongues. Yet we were able to chat about the best way to take selfies, the new Pokemon cafe opening up, where we wanted our boyfriends to take us on dates, and whatnot. Although these topics seem arbitrary and vapid…who cares? You don’t have to understand Black-American culture or read a bunch of “theories” to have a meaningful conversation. People are people and are similarities are far more abundant than our differences.